“Guru and God are standing in front of me. To whom should I bow down to first?”
“I shall bow down to the Guru first, because it is the Guru who has shown me God.”
These lines from the renowned song by Saint Kabir emphasize the presciousness of a human guru. It was from my own guru, Sri ShivaRudraBalayogi Maharaj, that I first encountered this teaching and experienced its truth.
Today, on the auspicious full moon of Guru Purnima, the Hindu festival dedicated to honoring the guru, I would like to share a personal story that illustrates the resonance of Saint Kabir’s words.
When I was in middle school, I decided there was no God. The multitude of tragedies and injustices I witnessed made it difficult for me to believe in a supremely powerful deity who allowed such suffering to persist. It was during this time that I delved into the occult, exploring various pagan and new age ideologies. From Wicca and Druidry to diluted forms of shamanism, runes, and even the Necronomicon, my path ultimately led me to chaos magic—an esoteric approach to the occult rooted in post-modernist principles.
Young and healthy, I had little interest in contemplating the profound questions of birth, death, and consciousness. That was until my father died the summer before my final year of high school.
Suddenly, my sheltered world crumbled, and I was overcome by intense fear. Not only did I grapple with the grief of losing my father, but I also confronted the undeniable reality of human mortality, which I could no longer ignore. We always feel that death is something far off in the future but now it felt close and inescapable.
Mere words and philosophies were unconvincing and useless to me. I needed direct insight; I needed my own realization of what was true. This was when I took up the practice of meditation in earnest. It wasn’t to alleviate depression, control my emotions, or explore altered states of consciousness, but to uncover the truth of our existence and find peace with it.
I was fortunate in that my family home was a suburb of New York City and so I began learning from any meditation guru or teacher that would pass through. This was how I met my guru Sri ShivaRudraBalayogi Maharaj, who many refer to as “Babaji,” meaning “honorable father,” for short.
I still remember the first moment I saw him. It was a summer evening in June of 2008. A friend had informed me about an event Babaji would be leading in a space above a downtown bookstore. Previous guru events I attended had been overflowing with hundreds, if not thousands, of people. As I arrived rather early, I found myself sitting on a bench outside the bookstore, waiting for an appropriate time to enter.
At that moment, a car pulled up, and a grey-haired, bearded man dressed in a robe emerged. His gaze met mine before shifting toward the bookstore’s door. With his attendants following, he entered the premises. I was struck by the sudden thought that nothing in his gaze had changed. He looked at me and the door in the same way.
The event itself was intriguing, though not extraordinary. Approximately thirty to forty individuals were in attendance. Babaji sat on a raised platform, with a large photograph of his own guru beside him. Prior to assuming his seat and commencing his teachings, he always paid homage to his guru.
Babaji initiated those who desired his blessing by placing a smudge of sacred ash on their foreheads, between their eyes. He instructed us to sit with closed eyes, focusing our attention on the space between our brows, without repeating any names, mantras, or engaging in visualization until the meditation concluded.
And that was all. Eventually, the summer ended, and I returned to college.
As someone drawn to the edginess and flamboyance of the occult, I wasn’t immediately captivated by Babaji’s simple and unadorned approach. Yet, I sensed an inexplicable difference about him—something that eluded definition.
Continuing along my spiritual path and experimenting with various techniques, I discovered that Babaji’s method of Jangama Dhyana yielded the most tangible results. Additionally, Babaji made himself available to answer questions through email. Under his guidance, I continued my meditation practice and attended his events and retreats during subsequent summers.
“You may or may not believe in God, but you can believe in your own existence. Trace your existence to its source, and there you will find God.” - Sri Ramana Maharshi
Through the realizations and shifts occurring in my practice, I began to discover God. This understanding did not align with the God I had conceived during childhood—it was a godliness, a divinity that is the source of awareness in all living things. It is through this divine reality that the paradox of the observer and the observed, the subjective “I” and the world it beholds, is reconciled.
At some point during one of Babaji’s events, I spontaneously asked him to be my guru. To which he responded simply, “Yes.”
Had it not been for my guru, I would not have experienced the fragrance of that indescribable reality that various religions endeavor to describe. I would not have discovered direct communion with the divine, independent of any intermediaries. Instead, I would have remained in ignorance—believing or disbelieving but never truly knowing the truth.
The greatness of the guru lies in their ability to dispel the darkness of ignorance, revealing the light of reality.
My guru has said, “The real Guru is He who will help the student to stand on his or her own two feet.”
May all beings be free. May all real gurus be victorious!
Ben, I need spiritual help, and I’m not sure where to find it. If you could provide any wisdom on the most difficult of my spiritual issues, it would mean the world to me. I’ll try to be brief.
I have abandonment issues, most acutely around intimate relationship or deep friendship. This does not root back to my very stable and supported childhood, I don’t believe, but rather to spiritual abandonment I experienced. By this I mean, I discovered Spirit in an enormous amount of power 11 years ago this time. I was not really looking for it at the time but you could say almost overnight I entered a romantic union with God and the cosmos. This lasted for a couple months and then began to fade. A couple months after that it was gone completely, and depression beyond what I had ever felt entered my world. Think of it like, the sweetest lover you’ve ever loved lives with you, and one day you come home and she’s not there, and the house is empty and cold instead. I became suicidal. Eventually I recovered but this fear of abandonment, essentially abandonment from God lives on in me. It arises sometimes from small things. It arises with a monstrous panic and pain when someone I have a spiritual connection to rejects me or puts distance between us. Thank you for listening, I’ll leave it atthat.forfriendlovffor for you, friend 🙏
Hello, my existential accomplice.
If there were one question I could ask you right now, it would be this: What is your practice?
The sacred occurrence you have described from 11 years ago was an opening or awakening of sorts. Some call it stream-entry. It is the spiritual shift that marks the point of no return. There is no going back after having tasted the light of the divine. I have written about stream-entry here. After stream-entry, the terminology and teachings of the spiritual path are no longer the realm of poetry or philosophy but rather immediate experience.
For it to have happened spontaneously for you suggests that you have practiced in a past life, or many past lives. But if you have no understanding of what happened, why it happened, and how to move forward, then it can be a world-shaking traumatic experience.
The origins of the Indian greeting “namaste” has been suggested to mean “the light in me recognizes the light in you.” The undivided, non-separate essence of awareness shines in and as all living phenomena. It may be that in the soul connections you feel with other beings, you experience a reflection of your original divine revelation. And you have the same fear of that loss.
Consider two metaphors.
A beautiful dualistic example is that of the sun when it is obscured by clouds. Even on a stormy day, the sun is still shining brightly. Even after you experienced the dissipation of your awakening-experience’s bliss, God the Divine has not moved anywhere. Please understand that this is a fact and not simply a platitude. It is a teaching.
A non-dualistic example is that true enlightenment is like the sun discovering there is no such thing as night or day.
In the dualistic metaphor, it is all about the changeless and omnipresent nature of the divine regardless of your position relative to it. In the non-dualistic metaphor, it is the revelation that youare That (the divine as symbolized by the sun). It is a felt reality that is more real than the vicissitudes of day or night.
So from where I am standing, you had an apparent stream-entry 11 years ago but you haven’t found the practical path forward since then. And the trauma of the “I found it–I lost it” experience now continues to cycle through you.
This brings us back to my first question: What is your practice? Because the only way out of this mess is through it. Just as it is for us all. I personally recommend meditation as a reliable method, but there are many vehicles.
“We’re all just walking each other home.” ~ Ram Dass
If you would like to message me privately to discuss this further, I’d be happy to delve into it with you.
What karma causes us to endure the pain of un-requited love?
It is most useful to regard karma not as a force that determines what happens to you but rather as the imprints in your mind and body that influence how you react. Through those actions and reactions, karmas can bring about certain experiences.
If you are in love with someone and those feelings are not reciprocated, it is understandable that this may result in sadness and even pain. Yet that need not be an ongoing problem. And if you refuse or don’t know how to accept the situation then it becomes a karma. You will be stuck in cycles of both loving and loathing the person, suffering all the while.
So the question you need to ask yourself isn’t about this or that karma but rather what is necessary in order for you to be free. Free from this form of suffering.
The answer, of course, is to let go. Either let go or you will continue to be dragged around. I am not saying this is an easy thing to do, I am simply saying it is the only sane thing to do.
Right now your thoughts and feelings are hooked onto this person. As a result, your suffering and confusion are continually renewed. You must come back to yourself. That is what letting go looks like in this situation. It is not something you do to the other person, it is the re-orientation of your attention back upon your own existence, your own heart-mind, your own awareness-consciousness.
On a pragmatic level, you begin this by practicing daily meditation and reading the book The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. I promise it will help.
Much love. May you be free from this heartache and emerge with an even more loving and radiant heart.
I have a lot more free time for the next three months so I’ve decided to start offering tarot readings again.
What? The tarot is an interesting system of divination that uses symbolism, mythology, and psychology to examine topics and issues from varying perspectives. Whether you approach it from a mystical, psychedelic, psychological, or philosophical standpoint, it can be a fun and surprising way to gain new insights and understandings.
How? Please send payment through Paypal to the address thelazylazyyogi@gmail.com. In the section marked “Purpose,” specify if you have a specific question or wish for a general reading.If there is no option to specify your question, please message me here on Tumblr or send an email to ben(at)thelazyyogi.com with your tarot question.
I will respond to the email address linked to the paypal account you are using unless otherwise specified.
Each reading will include:
A picture of the tarot cards in your reading
My written interpretation of what is being conveyed by the tarot
I will answer any follow-up questions you may have via email as time permits
If there are any issues or technical difficulties, you can also send me a message on Tumblr or email me at Ben(at)thelazyyogi.com.
Prices: Single Card Reading: $8 Three Card Reading: $20 Five Card Reading: $30
If you are seeking perspective on the general vibe of the week, month, or season, then a single tarot card reading is perfectly good.
If you have a specific question or want a more elaborate understanding of your general situation, then a five card reading is probably better.
Thanks so much for your support!
Testimonials:
“As a first Tarot reading I have to say I’m very impressed! All of this confirms what I have been struggling with…I also feel very much encouraged that I will find what I am looking for”
“I really appreciate this reading, it is 100% accurate…WOW! I am aware of this situation and have been working on it the last few months. Your interpretation and advice is very good and will be useful… thank you so much!”
“Everything hit really close to home, so I couldn’t stop the tears that came over me as I read. I really appreciate this. I will take your thoughts and keep them in mind as I move forward.”
“I feel like you’re my next door neighbor, and you know me very well.”
“This is extremely spot on and what I needed to hear, while painful to acknowledge. At the same time, it’s brimming with hope…”
“I mostly did it for fun and to support you, with little expectation of what you might tell me. I have to say it feels very accurate - eerily so. How does that work? Each part of your Tarot reading fits a piece of my current situation and makes me feel I am on the right path - but have some ways to go. That is fine with me and I am encouraged. Thank you for that.”
LY
Who’s gonna purchase the first tarot reading I do in my new glorious living space? 😆 Funds go to my settling-in costs! 🙏🏻
The way to know another living being is by direct communion.
Mental analysis and judgement are set aside. Emotionally reactive first impressions are set aside. Open-ended attention is given freely to the other. This provides a space through which unguarded, undefended presence bypasses identity games of self and other.
That is direct relating.
Something in you perceives something in them, something in them perceives something in you, and something of an entirely different order of reality shines through you both.
We may commune in this manner with other people but also with animals, plants, and sometimes even with inanimate objects. Great insight and connection arises with it.
Typically if a person is trying to get to know someone, there are certain questions that need answering. What do you do, where are you from, what interests do you have, what things do you dislike, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what motivates you, and so on.
In the common sense of the idea, getting to know someone means using personal history, personal preferences, and personal intentions to form an image of a person. Then you judge that image as good or bad, interesting or boring according to your own preferences.
It is an effective process for modeling the behavior of others so that you can predict if they will be friend or foe; it is a survival-based methodology. But it does not permit actual knowledge of another living being. In fact, it obscures such knowledge. Soon we stop being able to see other beings at all and instead only perceive our images of them.
Actual knowledge of another being means relating, communing.
Make it a priority. Connecting with loved ones will be more rich and intimate. Meeting new people will be more sincere and present. And relating to the phenomena around you will be more immediate and playful.
Many spiritual teachings talk about detachment or non-attachment and it’s often difficult for the western mind to grasp the essential meaning. At best it seems dull and at worst it sounds numb, uncaring, or unfeeling.
So I have a fix for you:
Whenever detachment or non-attachment is mentioned, think of transparency.
Imagine your whole body and being to be like a perfectly clear, transparent crystal. Whatever light shines on that crystal will illuminate it in its entirety.
But all of that light will exit the crystal just as smoothly as it had entered. None of the light gets stuck or attached within the crystal.
In our living moment of human life, to be detached or non-attached means that we allow everything to strike us as it is. Our whole experience, whatever it may be right now, is nakedly illuminated. But just as it flows in, it also flows out.
Call it non-stickiness or non-attachment or transparency. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you receive this teaching and write it upon your heart and the surfaces of your mind.
It is a fundamental point to embody if you wish to be peaceful, happy, and free—and to remain that way!
It is one matter to be willing to say the things that others don’t want to hear.
But the willingness to receive the things that you don’t want to hear is on another level entirely.
With the former, you need only not trouble yourself with the feelings of others. With the latter, you must be willing to stay with the discomfort of your own cognitive dissonance until a dawning realization causes your consciousness to shift.
There lies the difference between insight and wisdom.
I have a lot more free time for the next three months so I’ve decided to start offering tarot readings again.
What? The tarot is an interesting system of divination that uses symbolism, mythology, and psychology to examine topics and issues from varying perspectives. Whether you approach it from a mystical, psychedelic, psychological, or philosophical standpoint, it can be a fun and surprising way to gain new insights and understandings.
How? Please send payment through Paypal to the address thelazylazyyogi@gmail.com. In the section marked “Purpose,” specify if you have a specific question or wish for a general reading.If there is no option to specify your question, please message me here on Tumblr or send an email to ben(at)thelazyyogi.com with your tarot question.
I will respond to the email address linked to the paypal account you are using unless otherwise specified.
Each reading will include:
A picture of the tarot cards in your reading
My written interpretation of what is being conveyed by the tarot
I will answer any follow-up questions you may have via email as time permits
If there are any issues or technical difficulties, you can also send me a message on Tumblr or email me at Ben(at)thelazyyogi.com.
Prices: Single Card Reading: $8 Three Card Reading: $20 Five Card Reading: $30
If you are seeking perspective on the general vibe of the week, month, or season, then a single tarot card reading is perfectly good.
If you have a specific question or want a more elaborate understanding of your general situation, then a five card reading is probably better.
Thanks so much for your support!
Testimonials:
“As a first Tarot reading I have to say I’m very impressed! All of this confirms what I have been struggling with…I also feel very much encouraged that I will find what I am looking for”
“I really appreciate this reading, it is 100% accurate…WOW! I am aware of this situation and have been working on it the last few months. Your interpretation and advice is very good and will be useful… thank you so much!”
“Everything hit really close to home, so I couldn’t stop the tears that came over me as I read. I really appreciate this. I will take your thoughts and keep them in mind as I move forward.”
“I feel like you’re my next door neighbor, and you know me very well.”
“This is extremely spot on and what I needed to hear, while painful to acknowledge. At the same time, it’s brimming with hope…”
“I mostly did it for fun and to support you, with little expectation of what you might tell me. I have to say it feels very accurate - eerily so. How does that work? Each part of your Tarot reading fits a piece of my current situation and makes me feel I am on the right path - but have some ways to go. That is fine with me and I am encouraged. Thank you for that.”
LY
Who’s gonna purchase the first tarot reading I do in my new glorious living space? 😆 Funds go to my settling-in costs! 🙏🏻
Gratitude is a priceless antidote to the meekly lived life.
Instead of looking back with a kind of bittersweet fondness on what we failed to appreciate at the time, gratitude practice directs us to appreciate the present as it unfolds right now.
There is no greater sense of luxury than relishing the here and now with every fiber of your being. And there is no greater blessing you can bestow on others than the unhindered love and cherishment that will radiate.
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